


Forgive Myself

by aesthetea



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 18:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesthetea/pseuds/aesthetea
Summary: Ash asked Eiji to return to Japan because he couldn’t handle feeling so miserable for wanting to be near him.𝑵𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒔 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅, 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒈𝒐, 𝑰 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒐'𝑻𝒊𝒍 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒓𝒖𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅, 𝒊𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎𝒔𝑩𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒆, 𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒄𝒖𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒎𝒆𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒍𝒔𝒆𝑵𝒐𝒘 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒎 𝒄𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒓𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒐𝒓𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆, 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒚, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒍𝒔𝒆'𝑻𝒊𝒍 𝑰 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	Forgive Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Sam Smith's song, it's so beautiful, listen to it if you can...
> 
> I wrote this instead of sleeping and I can't promise it to be perfect but I really enjoyed writing it so I hope you enjoy too.

As the night came, he felt the anxious feeling in his gut growing more and more. It’s not that it wasn’t there before, but he had always feared the night. He knew what he did was right, sending Eiji to Japan was the best for both of them, although at that moment it was almost unbearable. One part of his mind said so. The other was calling him a coward, for not having the courage to say goodbye. The room felt emptier. Well, the whole house felt emptier. He felt empty. He thought that he really had ruined everything, that his existence was merely a nuisance for the whole world, that everyone he touched was cursed and destroyed. He didn’t want that for Eiji. He was the best he had ever had. That’s why he’d be better in Japan.

But he also knew he was a liar. He craved for him. He wanted him by his side. But having that would be so selfish on his part, he thought. Unthinkable. He closed his watery eyes and his mind brought back a sweet memory of the two of them. Sweet and selfish.

  
_They were lying in bed watching a movie. In the same bed. Eiji was laughing at a joke the character made and he looked at him. It was a real laugh, one of those that extend throughout your body and make you forget about bad things for a while. So precious. And without thinking too much, led by his inner desire, he turned Eiji’s head towards him and kissed him. Just a mere press of lips. It didn’t last much, as he realized all of a sudden what he had done. A terrible -but sweet- mistake. Eiji was looking at him but he didn’t dare look at him back. He shaked his head._

_“I’m sorry”, he mumbled._

_“No. Don’t be”, Eiji stuttered and then exhaled the air he was holding. “Do it again.”_

_Ash shaked his head again, this time raising his head just a little to look at Eiji. His cheeks were red but he looked at him expectating._

_“We’re not thinking straight,” Ash said but then he corrected “I’m not thinking straight”._

_“Then just look at me,” the boy asked and when he did, he said “it’s fine. You’ve done nothing wrong. I liked it, okay?”_

_Ash swallowed. He shouldn’t have said that. No. He shouldn’t have done that. But then he thought: what if it was right, what if he allowed himself to kiss him if Eiji was okay with that too, what if, after all, it was not all wrong? So he leant forward, and he did not expect his lips to be welcomed so affectionately. It took his breath away. Feeling his lips moving against him willingly was driving him crazy. He thought that nothing in his life had felt so right than kissing the boy. So he kept doing it for the sake of calming his thirst._

He would give away everything just to be able to kiss those warm lips again. But it won’t happen because he won’t meet Eiji ever again. If he did, he would not be able to stay away from him. Eiji had been hurt because of him, it was his fault, and he couldn’t bear it. He felt so guilty. But hopefully, Eiji would be happy in Japan. He would meet someone nice, someone who would care for him, who would love Eiji as much as he would wish to love him. But, deep inside, he doubted if anybody would really love Eiji as much as he does. He closed his eyes again, thinking of another sweeter time.

_He barely could open his eyes, but he was trying, as he was hearing Eiji’s voice nearby._

_“C’mon, sleeping beauty! Wake up, it’s already midday!”_

_Ash grinned, “you know how did Sleeping Beauty wake up?”_

_He took the blanket and covered his chest, with the eyes still closed. Then he felt a warmness pressing his lips. A peck. He opened his eyes. Eiji’s face was red but trying to hold a laugh. Ash kept looking at him astonished._

_“It worked!! Come, I’ve made lunch” he cheered going out of the room, leaving Ash there with a silly smile on his face._

His heart hurt and he cursed himself for being so sensitive. Why was he even feeling like that when he knew what he was doing was the right thing? Because he missed him, a small voice echoed in his head, but he hushed it. It was a damn torture. Later, he finally got asleep but at some point of the night, he woke up. He couldn’t stop thinking of him. He opened his eyes to see the little light Eiji bought him to push away his nightmares, but he also saw a shadow in the bed. If he hadn’t recognized it, he would have, by instinct, closed his eyes tightly, hoping everything would pass quickly, but he knew the form of that person. Eiji.

Great, on top of everything he was feeling, now he was having hallucinations. He closed his eyes, but shadows tormented him, so he opened them again. He was still there, sitting by the bed. His cheeks were watered again. He sobbed, hiding his face and shrinking his body. Then he felt a caress in his back and realized he was not hallucinating. He lost the track of time, but when he let everything out, he felt just a little bit better.

“I won’t leave,” he assured, “ You can’t push me away just because you feel you deserve nothing good in your life, Ash. And I believe we’re good for each other. I love you and I know you do too, so let me be by your side, as I promised.”

Ash cried again but this time, he let Eiji embrace him, not feeling lonely now.

“We deserve being happy,” Eiji sobbed, hugging him tightly.

Ash decided he wanted to believe that. Even if at first he didn’t, he repeated that sentence in his mind so many times until it became rooted in it. He wanted to be a better person for him and for himself, and to do that, he had to heal his aching mind. He realized that he had to forgive himself to love Eiji right, in the way he really deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> THEY DID DESERVED BETTER!!!!
> 
> Please let me know if you liked it and thank you so much for reading it


End file.
